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The BOB FAQ - Frequently Asked Questions from BOB
Fans and Followers around the World
This Bob person... I mean um Bob the Quail... why should I care about
him?
Well, its very simple really. After you are dead, do you want to
burn in hell as an infidel and non-believer for all of eternity (which
is a very long time, for those who don't know), as your bowels roast like
chestnuts over an open butane flame, or do you want to go to paradise after
you die and have sex with 21 virgins?
I thought so. Welcome to salvation. Welcome to Bob.
How should I greet other Believers in Bob?
You should always greet them with "Brother" or "Sister" followed by their
last name (or first name if you don't know thier last name). If you
don't know thier names make up one.
If you aren't feeling that creative, greet them with "Hello Brother
in Bob" or "Hello Sister in Bob!"
If you can't determine their sex readily, or they have no sex, then
greet them with "Hello One who is One with Bob!"
If they are just a passing person on the street, or if you don't have
the time or care to talk to them in depth, a salutation of one of the Bob
Slogans is always in order. For example, you pass a man
on the street and say "Got Bob?" or "Bob is the Way!" That is always
the start of a great conversation and an opportunity to convert yet another
potential follower of Bob. Be sure to send them to Church of Bob
Online (this website) for further salvation when you are done with them!
If you are passing out Books of Bob on the street, a proper greeting
when you offer the Book to a passing stranger is "Know Bob!" or "Love Bob!".
But always, go with your favorite slogan.
Shouting or exclaiming the Bob
Slogans is particularly appropriate when you are in a Church of Bob
or attending a Bob Service. Or shouting down some windbag politician.
I'm a lawyer from Disney. We own the rights to Mary Poppins.
What is your mailing adress so that we can sue the crap out of you?
Whoa! Such negative vibes! Check your butt, I think you may
have lost a Mickey Mouse handpuppet somewhere inconvient.
The simple fact of the matter is, your Mary Poppins is not my Mary Poppins.
When I was a child growing up on a completly isolated farm in the Catskills
with no television or electricity or running water, I created two imaginary
friends, and they were called Mary poppins and Dick Van Dyke.
Parrallel development! Fancy that! The universe really is
quite wild and fantastic. Now, what is your Disney mailing address
so that I can sue the crap out of you?
How can I get ahead in life with less work?
Start a religon.
Are you gay?
Absolutely not! Is the Queen of England gay because she wears purple robes?
Uncle Remus because he writes Children's books? Mohammed just because
he founds a freaky little intolerant religion? We think not!
Is this a serious religion? Seriously?
Yes it is! Just ask our four million followers around the world...
if you can figure out which ones they are... probably the ones wearing
the peril sensitive sunglasses.
When I fill out those silly government forms in triplicate, it asks me
to put down something for my 'religion'. What should I put here?
Put "The Church of Bob the Quail". If they list other religions,
be sure to scribble those out on the form. Bob is completly intolerant
of other religions. If they don't provide to pencil in anything,
scribble all over and get very violent and hostile with whoever gave you
the form.
In the Book of Bob, Chapter X, Paragraph X, what is the meaning of *blank*?
The Book of Bob upon a first read seems to open for us a million questions,
while providing even fewer answers. But the questions will become
the answers. That is the Sacred Mystery of the Book of Bob.
*Bethany rolls eyes*
What I like to do in a situation like this, when I find some passage
I don't fully understand, is to stand before a mirror and recite it outloud
over and over until I have memorized it verbatim. If I do that, a
wonderful peace and happiness settles over me after a while and sense of
accomplishment, and what seemed so complex and obtuse before suddenly seems
elementary simple, and just RIGHT. I feel more in control of myself
and my world, and my bowels. That is the power of Bob.
If the answers still don't come to you while doing this, try doing it
naked. With your pets watching.
Who shot JFK? Was it the man on the grassy knoll?
Suspicions point to you.
I hear that the Church of Bob is swimming in cash. You guys drive
around in limos and live like rock stars and jet around the world and have
huge color tvs and hottubs. Sounds like my kind of church!
This is absolutly true! As Bob says, "Bob White!". Which
for those who don't understand Bob talk, translates to "taste life.
then have a second helping. and a third! and that cute little
quailette in the corner!"
So this "Bob White!" that Bob says all the time, could mean anything???
No. Not at all. Only Mark Starr, the One True Prophet of Bob can
truely understand what he is saying.
Bob came to the One True Prophet in a fitful frightful dream.
From that dream, and these visions he has on a recurring basis, he writes
the Book of Bob and brought Bob to the People as his gift to the world
to save them from their retarded selves.
I can't get access to the One True Prophet to answer my deepest spiritual
questions about Bob, because he is guarded by a security force of goons.
What can I do?
Its easy, brother/sister... each of us, deep inside, has a
direct hot line to Bob. All you have to do is quiet your mind and
your spirit, close your eyes, focus, and concentrate, and the answers will
come to you in this moment of silence.
Remember, wherever you Bob is with you, because Bob lives inside of
you. Bob is in your heart and in your mind. As long as you
carry the spirit of Bob with you you will never feel truely alone.
All you have to do is ask and Bob will give. You shold give back
to Bob though. The Church, under public pressure, now accepts Visa,
Mastercard, and Discover through Paypal.
Post it through Paypal to account mrstarr@nyx.net unless its a *lot* of
money in which case we prefer a check. Yours is good, isn't it?
Surprise us. Use a whimsical amount. Be sure to label it: "ATTN:
Chuch of Bob"
You're a riot, guy! What kind of drugs are you smoking?
Bob is drug free!
This Bethany person, sounds like one hot babe! I dream about her
almost every night! Can you give me her telephone number? I'd
like to score with that little mama...
No! Sorry mate, can't help you there. Try the yellow pages!
Look under "Tamping - Sabotage (thereof)".
If I give all my worldly possessions to the Church of Bob, and commit my
life to interpreting the words and teachings of Bob from the Book of Bob,
will I find true happiness and eternal salvation?
Yes!
Who is the man in the blue suit that keeps walking by???
You're guess is as good as mine.
What can we do with these radical Christians / Fundamentalists / Muslims
etc who are stubbornly pigheaded in their views and can not see the true
light?
Well, its very simple really. We be patient and continue to preach
to them. If that does not work we try to pound the Bob doctrine into
them under heavy drug intoxication and mind control If that still
does not work we kill them all. Because we have to. Because
Bob said so.
Bob knows all huh? Can Bob tell me how many fucking fingers I am
holding up?
You are holding up just one. Just the right one too, to go fuck yourself
with...
Next question.
I'm a quail breeder and would like to borrow your bird to stud my hens.
What are your fees?
Hey! Bob is no prostitute, buddy! Bob has sex for one reason
and one reason only - for true love! Now it may be that
true love doesn't catch up until a month later into the relationship, but
its always for love!
I read the Book of Bob, but it seems silly to me, and I can not make any
sense of it... am I dumb?
Yes! The Word of Bob is plain to those who can read between the lines.
But have patience. Because even Bob has sympathy for the dumb.
Just not very much patience for them.
Did you read the Book all the way through? A full understanding
can not be gleened from any one single chapter alone, the totality of Bob
must be absorbed upon the matrix of your brain for understanding to be
realized. Try to do a Vulcan mind meld with your cat. The extra
bit of cat brainpower may be all you needed.
People look at me weird when I tell them about Bob. What should I
do?
Bitch slap them! Say "listen bitch, I'm talking to you!"
Unless its your mother.
What do we call ourselves?
"Bobbers" Members of the Church of Bob. Believers in
Bob. Those who are one with Bob. Bobism.
How do I minister Bob to the heathen unwashed?
Give them their first Book of Bob. Show them the error of thier ways.
Be patient of their ignorance, but persistant. They may argue and
protest with you from years of ingrained dogmatic beliefs from boring old
religions they have been indoctrinated and brainwashed into. Its
up to you to show them the light of enlightenment and knowledge.
My name is Steve Polychronopolous White. How do I know if I am related
to Bob White?
We are all brothers and sisters of Bob, my friend. Except those who
are not. Those nonbelievers. Them. The ignorant ones.
I want to start a Church of Bob in my community. How should I do
this?
Rememeber, a Church is anywhere where followers gather in Bob's name.
An impromptu church can be anything. It could be a cafeteria table.
A foodcourt in the mall. A public libary recreation room. A
strip club. Make due with what you have. You're on the bleeding
edge. Whereever you are, if others want into the group, hand them
some literature and indoctrinate them into the Joys of Bob.
It may be a very long time before the Church can bankroll some dough
to build some buildings. In the mean time, if you believe in Bob
and don't want to fall into hell, vote for the Church of Bob with your
consumer dollars and buy a Bob t-shirt so we can build something freaky
and in Chapter 99 of the Book of Bob, demand all followers make a pilgramage
to it at least once in their lives.
People are idiots! How can I become a quail? And live under
a bush? And have sex with birds and never have to work again?
Oh, that it were that we could all do that. But we all have jobs
to do. You have to look for secret unfound messages in the Book of
Bob, and photocopy printouts of the book of Bob to give to your friends
so they may be saved as well. I have to answer silly email questions
and incorporate them into this FAQ. Perchance tho, to dream...
I am an ambitious young man / woman / alien life form, am power hungry,
and would like to gain increbile amounts of power over other people's life,
telling them what to believe in, what to eat, and who to vote for.
How can I weazel my way up into the church hiearchy?
Fill out one of our job applications. Attach a big fat check with
a big colorful paper clip. You know,
those ones with the rubber coating which have different color stripes.
Bethany loves those.
I love Bob, and give all of my heart and soul to Bob! But I have
no money. What can I do to help out the Church of Bob?
Keep the Faith. Preach. Minister to others. Spread the
Word. Convert your friends. Hurt them if they don't.
When asked what faith you are, say loud and clear and without shame
"Bob White!" When they don't understand what that means, translate
and spell it out for them... you are a card carry member of the Church
of Bob the Quail!
Start a webpage. Testify in public. Link to the office Bob
website. Write a poem or song about Bob. Sing of Bob.
Sing of Bob in someplace other than your shower. Pint out and photocopy
copies of the Book of Bob and hand them out at truck stops. Write
a will and make it out leaving all your worldly possessions to the Chruch
of Bob the Quail. Put a signature file on your email about Bob.
Become a crusader.
These other so called "Religions" have more followers, more money, more
power than us? What can we do?
Remember, Bob is a young religion, and being a Bobber is not going
to be easy. Its going to be a big but fun job to spread the Word
of Bob. However, remember this. In any other religion you would
be a total nobody, on the bottom of the ladder, uncelebrated and unknown.
As one of the first Aspostles of Bob spreading the faith and passing out
the Book of Bob to the unknowing, and delivering his word to the unwashed,
you are on the very vanguard of a truely wonderful and blossoming new relgion.
Your name will be celebrated by future generations as one of the first
wonderful followers of Bob. Maybe you'll even become the equivalent
of a saint.
I've been sent from the future to kill the One True Prophet, change the
future, and thereby prevent armagedon. Where can I find him?
To kill the One True Prophet would make him a martyr to his followers.
Are you sure you want to do this?
I want to name my first born after Bob. But what if she is a girl?
"Bobby" is a great name, you can't go wrong either way there. Additionally,
any other characters out of the Book of Bob are fair game. Except
Van Dyke. I would not want to be a girl and be named Van Dyke.
No offense to anyone, but people would be mispelling it all the time.
Name her Cheshire instead... : -)
What are Bob's thoughts on circumcision?
"Bob White!" "Bob White!!" "Bob White!!!"
I would like to get married in the Church of Bob. What are Bob weddings
like? How can this be arranged?
Bob White Weddings are beautiful. Simple beautiful. They are
always performed outdoors in a most beautiful place, usually the most beautiful
place the couple to be married can be find that is reasonably and conviently
located to them or all guests who are planning to attend. Weddings
are to be surrounded by nature and in the splendor of Bob. This could
be a meadow filled with flowers in spring... a garden filled
with flowers... before a beautiful waterfall... on the precipce of some
mountanous valley... or on the beach the sound of the ocean.
To be joined in a Bob Wedding , you should invite the One True Prophet
and his consort to the ceremony to make it official. Expenses for
flight ticket for the Prophet and / or his representative should be budgeted
into the wedding costs. Contact the church for details. In
lieu of this, any other member of the Church may serve as Master of Ceremonies.
The ceremony is simple. One of you reads a self written poem to
the other, that expresses their feelings about the other and the journey
they are about to embark on. The other reads a poem back to them.
You kiss. You are married.
Rings may be exchanged after the poems and before the kiss.. They
should be simple plain rings, perfable without stones. If possible
an inscription should be engraved on the underside.
Colors to be worn should be the colors of flowers... white...
yellow... light blues.. pinks... reds.. etc
Weddings are to be followed by a light reception with finger foods and
socializing. Guests are asked to bring something. Weddings
should *not* be expensive. Places to sleep for out of town guests
should be provided in family residences for so that they do not have to
stay in hotels.
All are to be welcome to a wedding who may happen to show, even strangers
(unless they are a nuisance). New Books of Bob and other Bob literature
should be made available at a side table at the reception for guests and
newcomers to pick up.
Other religions have holidays like Christmas and Hannikah. Does Bob
White celebrate any holidays ?
Yes. Bob has one main holiday, "Happy Bob Day". It can be any
day you like. Celebrate it by telling others "Happy Bob Day".
The appropraite response to such a salutation is "Happy Bob Day to you
too." If they don't know who Bob is, of course, tell them about Bob
the Quail. Or don't.
I'm a Bobber, what should I do on these other religions holidays, if everyone
around me is celebrating them. I mean, I don't want to piss off my
family, or friends who are not one with Bob.
Oh, go ahead and celebrate with them, no sense in starting a religious
war. But be sure to pervert the holiday to your own ends with lighthearted
Bob propaganda. Be sure to make a comment that a rabbit can
not lay an easter egg. And put Bob slogans on all your Christmas
presents.
My father just died, and he was a fanatical follower of Bob. He had
Bob everything all throughout his house, and had painted Bob slogans on
all his walls, on his forehead, on his car, and even on his pets.
It was his request to have a Bob service. How can we arrange to have
a Bob minister present? Speed is of the essence, as the body has
already grown cold, and my father was already a pretty ripe old guy to
begin with.
We sorrow for your loss. Death is a tragety that befalls us all..
and will continue to be until the Church can find some way to prevent this
horrid taking of its followers. You should contact the church immediatly
and be prepared to fly a church representative there to speak at the ceremony.
Give instructions to the executor of the estate as to how to contact the
Church of Bob the Quail regarding estate matters.
Hi Mark. This is Bethany. This thing has gotten way out of
hand. Don't you think you've taken this Bob thing too far?
Absolutely not! The people cry out for Bob. The world needs
Bob, like the flowers need the rain, like my toasted bagel needs jam in
the morning. It is my density.. I mean destiny... to bring
Bob to a cruel and heartless spirtually bankrupt world. That and this is
a great way we can get free plane tickets to bop around the world to speak
at weddings.
I just had a baby, and I want him/her to grow up become a Bobber.
Do I have to get him/her/it baptised by the Church of Bob?
No, the Church has no ceremony such as baptism. Bob believes one's
religion should be by choice, and not rammed down onces throat at birth
and then through the entire childhood years. Such methods are effective,
but are brainwashing.
For newborns we recommend a soft cuddly stuffed animal, particularly
a Quail who shall be called Bob. He should be cute and a quail.
In lieu of a quail, use whatever stuffed animal you can find that most
recembles a quail (a lion, a lobster, a giraffe perhaps) and call it a
quail. Good enough.
Other religions (Christianity / Buddhism / Muslim / Zoraster / Kama Sutra)
have failed me. How can I find peace and joy in Bob?
Easy, my son / daughter. Turn your superfluous burdensome possessions
over to the church, buy a printing press, and spread the gospel of Bob.
A Christian / Muslim / Buddist / Girl Scout Candy Stripper told me I was
a backslider and was going to hell, if I didn't believe in God. What
should I say?
"fuck you, your god is not my god" seems an appropraite response.
I was once Jewish, and wasn't allowed to eat any pork? Can I eat
pork now?
Absolutely! Eat all the pork you want. Also, you may eat all
the cheshire cat you want (but not lion). Don't eat any quail, because
it is strickty forbidden. Tea Parties with your favorite little people
are encouraged.
What became of the blue dress with white poke-dots? The old green
army jacket?
We do not know. Yes, we know, but we are not telling the locations
of these sacred artifacts. Rumor has it they have been sent back
in time. To clothe some poor kids.
What is the SPGO, what does it stand for, and what is their mission?
Why are the agents named after flowers?
The SPGO, or Secret Peach Girl
Organization, was a secret paramilitary agency who's sole purpose was
to provide physical protection to high ranking church officials.
SPGA's, or secret peach girl agents, are female, highly trained and
dangerous, and ready to use lethal force in quick and copious amounts to
uphold their duty. Agents are assigned code names after flowers,
perhaps from their hallmark calling card of leaving a flower on the hotel
pillow in the morning of a mark, who they've just sexed up and rolled for
security information. A good SPGA will steal the wallet to boot,
and make sure her hair is just right before she leaves.
Was Lorainna Bobbit an SPGA?
No. Her application is pending though.
I suspect my suspicious neighbor is a Farmer Brown type. Who was
Farmer Brown really? I always suspected he was more than he let on.
Correct! Have you thought about working for the SPGO? Farmer
Brown was a trained assassin and deep undercover spy for the Red party.
Be careful, my friend. Contact your nearest Church official and seek
immediate sanctuary, your life may be in jeapordy.
I hate Hallmark. Is it true there is a line of Bob the Quail greeting
cards?
This is nothing but a baseless
rumor. There is absolutly no evidence whatsoever to support this
assertion.
Links
The Book of Bob ~ Chapter
1 ~ Chapter2 ~ 3 ~ 4 ~ 5
Bob Slogans
Bob Pictures
Back to the Main Bob Page - probably where you
came from
Poetry Page - here's
the good stuff, some quite funny
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